I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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