I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize