the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
