Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize