someone threw a dead crab at me
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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