Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
