Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Michael Bay diarrhea
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
