God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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