How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
