Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
