There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
