WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
