Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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