he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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