Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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