she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
