you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
