Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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