Will you blow on my dice?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
