i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Can I color on your dick again?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
