Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
