I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
