we're chasing vodka with high fives
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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