is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
