I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
