Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
