FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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