How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
