Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize