Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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