Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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