You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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