In the future we'll all be gay
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
