omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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