i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
