Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
