I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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