Umm I'm too high to move.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize