I'm so fucking centered right now
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
