Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
