Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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