My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This baby is an asshole
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
