Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The uberlube is also flammable
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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