He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
