i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
