I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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