Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
