If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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