Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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