A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
