Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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