walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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