I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize