I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
