Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
