What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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