sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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