Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
