He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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