Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
