I faked an abortion last night.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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