I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize