i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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