I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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