Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
