How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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